im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
