Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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