ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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