OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
