I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
