I just pynch a tree in the face
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
