gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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