remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
