So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I party with great urgency now.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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