i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
