i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i barfeds in our rink
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
