I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
