K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
