i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
not ubering you a puppy
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We smell like vodka and hangover
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