dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
