Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
