Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
