New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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