Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
