I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
