who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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