Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am spending my child support on dildos
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
