Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
