Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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