I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
why is half of my head shaved?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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