my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
