You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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