Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
God I need to hump something, right now.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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