So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
