I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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