Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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