I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
