i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
