Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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