dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
