Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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