Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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