I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Randomize
