But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
