I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
