If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
