I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
