He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
