She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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