i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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