Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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