He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
