I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
