One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
