my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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