Well apparently he's into motor boating.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize