Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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