are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
